7:45 am
Wake to room service knocking.
Rollers out and robe on.
Stagger out to the living room facing the crashing waves outside the glass pane.
The sound is muffled but you can hear the light blue sounds and already feel the humidity.
Over coffee, eggs, and bacon the previous night begins to be reviewed and all I can think about is how I wanted to over power a director who wanted to advise Ben. Thoughtfully sharing his false admiration for our situation and as I walk into the conversation changing his tune of us needing to think about what we want and how we need to do what is best for our home. I asked point blank is he suggesting the best option is for Ben to leave. All my irritation and hostility from the past year of broken promises bubbled up and poured over the first individual I wanted to hurt.
Bitterness.
This morning embarrassment.
And then it just pours out at my person- tucked under a blanket picking at the triangular fruit plate on the white linen covered rolling table between us.
Fear of sharing… starting a conversation not knowing what the ending will be- vulnerability, juxtaposition of his traditional career life to my fluid and convoluted creative life- insecurity, unloading the realization I had in therapy of being asked about plans instead of asking about what I am currently working on- hostility, opening up about feelings of being lost and no longer driven in anger where can I gain initiative and what if it never happens - tears, sharing the truth and desperately wanting a “good job” - affirmation.
Craving closure, insecure in the lack of and sitting in quiet.
My brain. So much all the time. My awareness and curiosity can be exhausting. Scared he will leave- I am too much to handle and it is early. Fear he will think I have poor timing and on the first morning together did I just fuck it up.
Stand.
Wash face.
Clean room - find homes for our belongings for the week.
Slowly makeup my face.
Gently choose suit I feel confident and comfortable in. Topped with Tina’s blue and white striped mumu. And sit outside on our terrace ears washed with sounds of unapologetic waves. Salt water thick in the air and dampening my olive toned skin.
And I find myself clinging to this- words - comfort in releasing the morning here.
Another morning closer to my next trip around the sun.