Vices.
I know they’re not good. I have a problem hoping for the future when it is too quiet in the present. I don’t like the quiet. Not because it makes me feel lonely if I’m being honest- more so because it makes me utterly bored. Boring scares me . . .
Absence scares me . . .
Then like a ping pong ball being tosses around inside a dark small tissue box I can’t find my way out of the spiral. Life is boring … Explosions aren’t sustainable …
I feel guilty I sometimes fantasize about living an epic life that doesn’t last. If I could only take the inspiration and clarity from yesterday. The deep appreciation and gratefulness that enveloped me yesterday. The motivation and joy to do anything and everything. But instead … I woke up today … empty. Lacking those feelings that felt crystal yesterday.
“Everyone is on a rollercoaster- that’s life. There will be ups and downs and moments where your stomach drops, moments of uncontrollable laughter, moments that make you want to vomit. But at the end of the day I wish safety and nurturing comfort for you. No one should be living the emotional Tower of Terror ride daily - or weekly. That doesn’t last or add anything fruitful to life. (embellished on a conversation my mom and I had at some point).
I have always had big feelings, for as long as I can remember. I have always been able to sub in for others emotional needs right when they need it. I have always been able to almost read people’s emotional minds before even they have awareness - and sometimes - many times I have been able to ease pain or solve problems before they ever have to feel the plummet to deep darkness. I don’t know how to unlearn this. Or mask this energetice drainage. And until recently it felt like a curse.. but it’s my superpower.
I see things in people that they don’t see in them selves. I see hopes and dreams. Their strengths and skills that lend to the real world. I value their uniqueness and individuality that makes them irreplaceable.
Why
Why can’t I do this for me.
Will it get easier.
Will I stop craving the drastic highs and deep painful lows.
As I give
Will this skill, this superpower, ever give back to me.