My voice hasn’t recovered from Cancun and it has only been one day yet I feel pressure to be better- “back to normal“.

There is strong discomfort in trying to get back into my routine. It is a pattern I have to fight for anyway built on things that balance and make me feel good but stretch me. I can understand why it takes me two weeks to adjust and fully adapt to it before it feels like mine. Right now my best self pattern feels like it belongs to someone else.

I want to be alone - not so he is not here but so i can fall apart and refind myself BY myself. There is something extremely vulnerable about that process. And I understand or perceive that there is only so much patience he will have for it - for me.

But

I sit here.

Back in my chair draped with my cream throw.

Light box above me

11:00 am

and begin to write and I feel a small step closer to the pattern of my best self or “who i want to be when i grow up”

15th day

the half way point until the marker of 30.