Frantic.

I am setting up and I can’t get out of my head that connor and carolina will be with us. I want our house to be perfect more than perfect.

I lost the lemon tree photo of inay. I have the one of Lola but not of Inay. I have looked through ever book and every organizational cube. Our home has half filled cubes everywhere- where is the system- it’s a mess.

I spread every photo I have out on the floor- not there.

Irresponsible.

The space for guests looks good I guess.

I took my nighttime meds and so I feel the juxtaposition pulling me between a fog and productive high energy. I want to vacuum but the neighbors wouldn’t like that. I want to move furniture but Ben is laying on the couch across from me and waiting for me to go to bed. It is only a matter of time before he tells me I have to.

is that what my subconcious wants- because if he tells me - the myth is he cares about me- and therefor . . . special.

I don’t feel like that’s the case I just have extra energy and I am afraid to go to sleep. Because if I go to sleep this motivation won’t be there in the morning. And I don’t know how to have it roll ovr.

I want to be a person who rolls out of bed and has initiative to start their day. I want to feel confident again so much so that I am overflowing and I have energy to truly give to people. I want to want to move my body. I want to love my body. I want to feel purpose and clear way toward what I am meant to do.

I don’t want to act out of spite or fear anymore.

I don’t want to be motivated by spite or fear anymore.

I want

I want to feel joy, gleeful, youthful radiance. I want to feel at peace when there is silence socially or energetically. I want to feel secure, grounded, planted and begining to intentionally root in my values, my truths, my activism.

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I just became self conscious.

the tizzy in my head manifested

in the disarray of objects strewn over the apartment

Photos gathered in a crescent, fanned out, leaving just enough room for me to step in and out of the barrier.

Organizational cubes placed on any surface and their contents vomited

He turned the light on for me

I organized our whole book section.

Rearranged our….

I’m avoiding.

Could ben fall into the trap of Alysa, and Stina because they had to go through these moments with me. Granted I think the writing has helped with the feeling that I am not changing anything. Dump my thorughts. But I am aware I want to clean but I don’t want his judgements… I don’t want him to tell me to go to bed. I know it’s coming - soon.

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Tizzy

Dizzy

Fizzy

intentionally placed.

body gliding through a fog.

perfect

placement of every object,

emotion,

body

clarity in purpose

in this moment I am living above the clouds