Stomach ill.
Seeing your name occupy the space on the front of my lock screen.
Frozen. But my fingers move anyway. I respond anyway.
My stomach feels like it is made of gears and there is something wedged so to make the mechanism stop. Then once it begins turning over on itself the internal motion makes for no space to breath or swallow. My unconcious body functions feel foreign. Suddenly aware of labored breathing, aware of the difficulty of gulping saliva gathered in the base of my mouth under my tongue, aware of the heat building above my brow and every open and close of my eyelids.
Fear. I once told you I was not afraid of you. Well, I don’t know exactly when it happened but I am. You terrify me.
What is the similarities between these women. Oldest siblings. Challenges with feeling free from responsibilities of their families. Times when they enter my life: at chapter turns, when I am learning new things, they give me something- and in turn I believe I encourage authentic freedom. I feel I owe them myself, pieces of me feel they save me, grow me, love me. And I don’t know what turns. They want all of me and to not to belong to anyone else unless on their terms. Middle to lower socioeconomic class- I feel I can lavish them.
Anger. These women walk around the world and know some of the most precious pieces of who I am and could ruin me - have ruined me in some sense and I hate it. I hate that these people know or knew the darkest parts of me and now they are no longer close. And I am sure it makes them feel special to “'know” something no one else knows about me but there are few individuals who get to stay for the next metamorphosis. Witness the next break through.
Protection. I physically feel the need to protect my mind from you.
I never got over the way you did not just untintentionally hurt me at coffee. You wanted to hurt me. You wanted to guilt me and make me “pay” for what ever insecurities and stories you made up in your mind. You didn’t come open ready to work through the hard and collaborate and comprimise you came to make sure I felt little, small, incompitent, irresponsible, worthless. And guess what. It worked. I spent weeks questioning myself. Feeling that the life I live is not enough by your standards. That I have no actual impact on the world. That waking up and being a good person to myself and my loved ones is not even close to enough.
How dare you?
How. Fucking. Dare. You.
Claim to be a partner, a friends, a confidant, and then speak to me that way. It is obvious you don’t know me at all. Or worse you do know me and you chose to act and speak that way regardless. It is a privilege to know me. It is a privilege to be loved by me. It is a privilege to be in my inner circle with the people I call close friends.
So yes. I am running. I am avoiding. I am hiding.
Because
you
Scare
Me.