I want to cut and cry.
I want to scream and throw something.
my blood boils but I am silent. face stoic. movements labored yet sharp.
but my breath is shallow and my breast bone tight.
i am angry first because I finished making dinner 2 hours ago.
but our responsibilities are him completing his work day. Bentley has a hair cut tomorrow and we had to cut his face. It all just took longer it’s no one’s “fault” but i feel like there is a world where maybe I was important enough to stop and eat with…
I made myself a cup of tea I am not going to eat beef and potatoes at 10 at night. It makes me feel un important when after we finish cutting Bentley he turns and asks me if I am ready to eat. No. NO I can’t eat that right now at this time. The question is out of touch.
His words are “I want you to live the life you live when I am not here, while I AM here.” That want and wish is a sweet sentiment but directly conflicts with his life… and maybe I feel angry because I feel since his life funds us, feeds us, houses us… his life is more important than mine… and I don’t have the right to feel angry and I should eat when it is conveinient for him I should wake up and make sure the mornings are filled for him I should be happy for him.
and all of this makes me really freaking angry
as tears of frustration run down my face I can feel myself slipping this large feeling under some metaphorical rug somewhere inside of me… because I don’t feel like fighting.
I know: he has to work.
I know: we had to cut bentley
I know: i could go do sleep right now
I know: i am hurting a lot right now and it all happened so fast
I know: the moment it happened. finishing the resposibility. seeing the time (9:30pm). being asked if I was ready to eat happily. thinking of how that would make my stomach feel this late laying in bed/ but then remembering he doesn’t go to sleep until 12:00 because he gets off at 8:30 or 9:00… and feeling out of control and un important.
I go to turn on the shower and a rush to tear my skin flashes through my gut up my sternum and stuck in my throat. Get out of the bathroom. Grab my laptop. Sit on my bed and begin to get it all down. Here. He comes in and asks if I want to watch a show and I respond, “I just need to process through my emotions right now, I’m not sure.” Again, this feels out of touch as I just told him my best self routine…. but I want to spend time with him. If I don’t keep him happy he will leave me for something that is available when ever he needs it.
Suddenly I feel hollow. Con-caved seated at the end of my bed, slowly the sole feeling I can recognize in my body is an aching in my epigastric area.
I am important
I am valuable
I am special
I am worthy
I am enough