Time seems to be going by so quickly but I am unable to remember where it passes to.

I should be on my 25th entry before 30 but I am not sure where I am missing time? Today was the Super Bowl.

Kayla has still not picked up her items from the lobby and I am not sure what to do about it. It makes me feel bad. More specifically it is an unaccomplished item that I don’t feel like dealing with. I feel myself curbing daily activities in anxiety about if I will see her, if I will have to communicate with her, if I will have to shed non preferred emotions surrounding her.

When will enough be enough? and what in the world does that look like?

I want to close the shopify Kapwa shop. It is so disheartening and devastating that this beautiful and inclusive word - this world encompassing connection and respect physical, emotional, and spiritual has become tainted to me. There is something that hurts on a deeper level because I already have some insecurity around my connection to my Pinoy roots and here I am feeling like I am being othered once again.

I feel like I have no control

I feel upset

I feel taken atvantage of

I feel smothered at the same time - by hopeful and supportive people, by not being able to go through and sort through these feelings in private.

I want to be alone but not lonely

I want to be able to proccess by myself and then him rejoin me

I want something that is totally and completely mine

the lingering smell of alcohol seeping out from his pores next to me make the crisp white sheets feel dirty. The pungent rank of his sadness from this loss of a football game embarrased me. Every exhale he blows in my direction makes me fume.

I want to go to the couch

I want my best self practice

I want him to leave

I want privacy to lick what ever wounds

I want to scream

I want to tear

and yet

I find myself silent-

my stomach turns, hopefully he can’t hear the knots twisting and groaning within my abdomen.

and for some reason I feel like I am the problem. Like I am the one who took a day and ruined it. But if I relfect there is nothing inherent I did wrong.

So why do I feel this ache that I had a responsibility to do something well (this day) and I failed?

Fixed the numbers. They got a little funky around when I was back filling Cancun from notes. But I am all on track again. Mislabelled - not missing.