13. Not Inherently a Runner

- From Notes (Cancun 1.30.24)-

I dance the night away. Woke up hungover at 3:44am and sat in silence next to the man who has provided me everything. Moments pass of jealousy wanting to give this life to myself and thankfulness the only sacrifice is all of me to get me here.

In New York the pattern has become running. Late at night dissapearing and I love it. Maybe it is the feeling of running, fleeing controlling that my night is over and no one can stop me but that they can yern for me and want me to stay. But here in corperate paradise I stayed…

I danced. I drank. I had people fall in love with me. and I stayed.

There is pride in this small moment. It is not me in NY or the people it is litterally that I want to dance. I want to sweat. and if the night includes standing around and staring at drunk people I would rather be in my home watching Netflix.

My favorite moment of the night…

Ben panicked, “Babe, I stuck my tongue out and I don’t know if I took a pepcid or ecstasy.”

Me cackling, “I don’t even know how to respond to this.”

Today

I want to start packing

I want to nap

I want to eat chicken nuggets by the pool

I want to take pictures

and then we have dinner with people I actually like

Looking to be a simple and pleasant day

12. Avoidance

- From Notes (Cancun 1.29.24) -

Here is the place holder, finding that accessing my website is a feat in itself let alone taking time away for me to write. So I put it here. Even if it doesn’t feel warrented to write. Just accomplish one entry per day. That will be enoungh.

This is the first day of nothing.

and I have anger brewing in me. Spilling over from the day prior. Lingering in every anticipated interaction awaiting me downstairs poolside. This is not for me. And yet, I find myself the center of all of it. My mind keeps ping ponging between how to get back up to this safe haven and how many times Ben needs to see me out in the world to be appropriate.

Avoidance.

of my deep seething anger

and

my husband’s disspointment.

The Day from Hell

Wanted to sleep in.

Excursion.

Submarine vomit

Sun burn

Recruiter almost went home

Ben talking and confronting

Dinner

Glass of full water shattered on me

Salsa in my hair as bowl broken behind me

Anger

Livid

I want the day to be over

Instead of going back down

Shower

Chocolate covered pretzels as I write this

Read book

Good Girls

Sleep

The day needs to end

11. Fear as a Clue

Fear can be a clue. Is it telling you danger. Is it telling you to proceed with caution. Is it telling you that you are approaching something new.

Are you confused and it is actually excitement?

You know more about your life and how to keep moving forward than anyone else at this point. Learn to trust your gut. And what would that look like in action.

“Holding space for someone’s emotions so they don’t get so overwhelming that that person can not hold them themselves.”

Long talk with Westin at the pool.

10. Part I

7:45 am

Wake to room service knocking.

Rollers out and robe on.

Stagger out to the living room facing the crashing waves outside the glass pane.

The sound is muffled but you can hear the light blue sounds and already feel the humidity.

Over coffee, eggs, and bacon the previous night begins to be reviewed and all I can think about is how I wanted to over power a director who wanted to advise Ben. Thoughtfully sharing his false admiration for our situation and as I walk into the conversation changing his tune of us needing to think about what we want and how we need to do what is best for our home. I asked point blank is he suggesting the best option is for Ben to leave. All my irritation and hostility from the past year of broken promises bubbled up and poured over the first individual I wanted to hurt.

Bitterness.

This morning embarrassment.

And then it just pours out at my person- tucked under a blanket picking at the triangular fruit plate on the white linen covered rolling table between us.

Fear of sharing… starting a conversation not knowing what the ending will be- vulnerability, juxtaposition of his traditional career life to my fluid and convoluted creative life- insecurity, unloading the realization I had in therapy of being asked about plans instead of asking about what I am currently working on- hostility, opening up about feelings of being lost and no longer driven in anger where can I gain initiative and what if it never happens - tears, sharing the truth and desperately wanting a “good job” - affirmation.

Craving closure, insecure in the lack of and sitting in quiet.

My brain. So much all the time. My awareness and curiosity can be exhausting. Scared he will leave- I am too much to handle and it is early. Fear he will think I have poor timing and on the first morning together did I just fuck it up.

Stand.

Wash face.

Clean room - find homes for our belongings for the week.

Slowly makeup my face.

Gently choose suit I feel confident and comfortable in. Topped with Tina’s blue and white striped mumu. And sit outside on our terrace ears washed with sounds of unapologetic waves. Salt water thick in the air and dampening my olive toned skin.

And I find myself clinging to this- words - comfort in releasing the morning here.

Another morning closer to my next trip around the sun.

9. Arrival

(Notes from 1.26)

- An Inebriated Review -

Arrived in Cancun.

There is a piece of me where near around or on a tropical beach I feel at home.

There is an inherent sadness in the air. Almost as if people are mourning. Pleasant and displaying a mask of “keep moving forward we will be okay” but I can’t escape the energy of loss that lingers in the air. The juxtaposition of where I feel connected to a primal piece of myself (happiest in the waves) amongst an envelopment of persistence and tragedy I can’t let go of.

We serve a purpose. We serve and see people. We love and allow for individuals to be there truest selves and I am grateful that I have a partner who understands and lives a life that is kind, understanding. Providing a safe space for authenticity.

Heart at home.

Sand.

Water.

Humidity.

Connected.

Grounded.

Thankful.

7. All Nighter

(From Notes 1.24)

Determination robbed me of sleep

Obsession

Insecurity in the not knowing the basics

I don’t know how to crawl or even roll over

I can’t run

Frustration

Not a wink of sleep

Fear I ruined the beautiful pinks and oranges strewn with flowers from a matriarch’s closet.

Made 3

Took apart 3

Left in pieces

Radical acceptance this is not meant for now

Choose preservation

Patience

Sit here in the discomfort

And move to the next thing

Prep the house for SAV daddy’s shoot

8. Luxurious Avoidance

(From Notes 1/25)

Procrastination in packing…

_______________________

Chinese soup spoon

Layered

Strawberries, out of season yet still bright red - quartered and washed

Topped

Milk chelate chips, a staple in our cupboard, rich morsels.

Head back

Mouth open

Mouth closed

In pieces as one

Sweet - Smooth

6. Yours & Mine

Any opportunity to curiously explore our internal emotional world is welcomed.

Couples therapy saved my marriage and in some moments my life.

We have learned so much and are still diving deeper into the partners we are right now and all we are capable of in the future.

Why does everyone else get the sunshine and you are in my perpetual rain cloud- I could come up with a long list of excuses but I am more curious as to how I can be a light for you the way you are for me.

You are gentle and understanding. You see beauty in me that I most of the time don’t believe exists. You are a reminder of home and everything I am capable of being. You are the most special human I have ever known. Thank you for loving me despite my lack of love for myself.

How do we get back to lovers? That word so sweet on the surface but runs deep with anticipation and electricity.

___________________________________________________

[ Yours & Mine ]

You are yours.

I am mine.

I am yours.

You are mine.

5. You Can Always Come Home

Safe space

inside the cream colored lime washed walls

warm wood grained floors sprawl out in perfect intentional direction

from the moment the barrier into the space is broken energy calls to lead to the window

sounds from bellow - water afar - above it all and somedays it gently holds the sunshine that pours unapologetically through the pane

fabrics in shades named after foods like oatmeal and almond and marshmallow encase pillows chairs blankets

somedays these delectable hues of woven materials cradle me - nurture me - protect me

but my favorite … a nook

it can be anything i want it to be - allows for enough change so i don’t feel stagnant in this safe space

i dreamt it

i planned it

i filled it

i live in it

home.

you can always come back home.

4. My Promises

Drifting.

Floating in feelings of loss.

Lean on the small choices.

What can help me.

My nighttime routine has turned to showering the day where I didn’t accomplish anything off. Completing the extensive skin care routine followed by swallowing down my night meds (aka horse pills). I look forward to these pills where as lately in the morning it is hit or miss to partake in that part of the process. I open the laptop, and write pair it with some sort of song and then move on to diving into the novel I have chosen.

Books have become an escape. A place to feed my imagination and ignite all of these wonderful hopes and promises I make myself for the next day. Tonight I fantasize about the romanticization of my tommorow life. I’ll wake up to sun light and want to take Bentley out. I’ll be motivated to make the dress from the fabric that has been draped over the back of the white wooded chair next to the window where the city sounds rush by in the cold weather below. I’ll put a record on the machine and dance in my living room while cookies bake in the oven. Feel freedom in wandering to the bookstore and I’ll feel inspiration and direction and confidence to chase the next fantasy. I will feel worthy of taking someone’s time…

But fear slowly creeps in and thoughts that it is more likely that I will live another pointless uneventful day tomorrow.

Even if I promise myself I think I have trust issues and feel I can’t depend on me.

What would it look like to keep my promises to myself? What would it feel like?

For now…

For now .

.

.

Read

.

and sleep.

3. Super Powers can feel Lonely

Vices.

I know they’re not good. I have a problem hoping for the future when it is too quiet in the present. I don’t like the quiet. Not because it makes me feel lonely if I’m being honest- more so because it makes me utterly bored. Boring scares me . . .

Absence scares me . . .

Then like a ping pong ball being tosses around inside a dark small tissue box I can’t find my way out of the spiral. Life is boring … Explosions aren’t sustainable …

I feel guilty I sometimes fantasize about living an epic life that doesn’t last. If I could only take the inspiration and clarity from yesterday. The deep appreciation and gratefulness that enveloped me yesterday. The motivation and joy to do anything and everything. But instead … I woke up today … empty. Lacking those feelings that felt crystal yesterday.

“Everyone is on a rollercoaster- that’s life. There will be ups and downs and moments where your stomach drops, moments of uncontrollable laughter, moments that make you want to vomit. But at the end of the day I wish safety and nurturing comfort for you. No one should be living the emotional Tower of Terror ride daily - or weekly. That doesn’t last or add anything fruitful to life. (embellished on a conversation my mom and I had at some point).

I have always had big feelings, for as long as I can remember. I have always been able to sub in for others emotional needs right when they need it. I have always been able to almost read people’s emotional minds before even they have awareness - and sometimes - many times I have been able to ease pain or solve problems before they ever have to feel the plummet to deep darkness. I don’t know how to unlearn this. Or mask this energetice drainage. And until recently it felt like a curse.. but it’s my superpower.

I see things in people that they don’t see in them selves. I see hopes and dreams. Their strengths and skills that lend to the real world. I value their uniqueness and individuality that makes them irreplaceable.

Why

Why can’t I do this for me.

Will it get easier.

Will I stop craving the drastic highs and deep painful lows.

As I give

Will this skill, this superpower, ever give back to me.

2. I Choose Comfort: Present & Future

When you live alone it’s fucking hard to grocery shop. It’s hard to get excited because the cycle is always the same. I look up recipes - get excited - shop - make the dish - and am repulsed the second day.

Lesson: Look up the recipes. Get excited. Go shopping. Make the dish. After, get a gallon freezer safe Ziploc bag - scribble with a sharpie what it is and the date it was made. Freeze the second have or 2/3 or the whole thing. Maybe it’s a way of avoiding… or maybe it is finding the grey area in a small way.

Compromise in the form of a freezer.

Maybe in a way it feels like I am looking out for my future self.

I can see her. Completely autonomous - like she is a distant acquaintance. It feels easier to take care of her. She doesn’t feel like me. I envision her in the almost sterile white kitchen accented by brass hardware - the warmth only comes from the natural wood grain trailing the floor and luminescent under-cabinet lighting. She’s alone and the noise of the city swooshing by her window is the only sound wafting through the empty apartment. Obligation to eat…. she starts scavenging through cabinets. She heats up the pre-frozen comfort food… nourishment. I know it won’t solve what ever emptiness I sense in the scene but it’s one thing I can do …

One choice I can make.

Comfort.

1. Each Moment Matters - I Matter

[ Choices ]

Small choices add up.

I chose to get out of bed and take bentley down right away. I chose to say yes to going to Christina’s house. I chose to ask Sav if she wanted to hang out later. I chose to set up a new sewing station in the guest nook. I chose to dive in and teach myself something new. I chose to unload the dishwasher. I chose to take a shower. I chose to brush my teeth.

I chose to sit in bed now before catching my second wind and staying up until 4:30am.

I feel a little bit closer to myself. I feel a l m o s t in step with my being. Small choices getting me closer to the wagon I feel I fell off of.

Will this ever get easier… falling off and getting back on…

______________________________________

[ Clothed in the Strength she left Behind ]

I am proud I learned something new today. Challenging and stimulated my brain in a new way. I am so excited to where my dress.

The black polyester and spandex maxi painted with silver cherry blossoms used to hang from her body. It now fits me- clings and hugs me. Modest and sexy. Comfortable and versatile. Inspiring… Gave me a new sense of independence I haven’t felt in a while. It felt like I could clothe myself - take care of myself. I could do more than be stuck in the past. I have the ability to create something new from the years left behind, integrating it into my present.

_____________________________________

[ Anthem of Today ]

The Bobble

I almost just gave up and I didn’t. The part of the youtube video that was extremely deterring was “If you are getting loops on the back side of your stitches this means you have incorrectly threaded the top of the machine.”

Like, I get how that could feel helpful to the creator but for me… for 20 mins… it felt like my

Fear.

Worry.

Inadequacy.

The nuance of the word. Inadequacy. I think this feeling is something I have been struggling with frequently as of late. Whether this intrusive thought is woven into thoughts of my career path, my body, or something as simple as threading a sewing machine (mind you, pre the sewing part).

But I did it. I fucking did it. I persevered and learned it.

I can do challenging things. I can. I can learn new things. I can.

If I can conquer the bobble… I can do some other shit too.

Why

I have this idea.

Part of me goes back and forth between what purpose this should serve. Should this be like a simple list of things I haven’t done .. but that feels stupid and cliche. Should it be all the things I have learned? Should it be confessions to leave in the past.

I guess… the main thing I feel is this is a marker moment, a change (a possible change), a deal that is only going to happen once and it feels like I’m supposed to do something with it…

So

Why …

I have 3 days to figure it out.